he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I can't turn off my feet"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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