My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
