I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
