Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
