Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
