you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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