Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
