You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
