um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Randomize
