So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I think my moral compass just broke
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
