I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
