Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
