i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
