I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
