I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
