My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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