how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
