i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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