I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
