Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
please don't ironically join a cult
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