I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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