I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
