I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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