I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
