haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
