Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
