Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
