So drunk its hurt
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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