the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
