Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
