I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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