I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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