At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
