Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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