phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
