so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
