How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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