we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
