& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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