my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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