apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
