I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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