There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
