And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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