The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
