i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
