i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
