So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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