How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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