she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
please come you make the beer taste better
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
