You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
