I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm just crazy horny about you
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
