Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
