She went from zero to smokin in five shots
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
