its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
